The I in EverythIng

I thought I should write down the dream I had.. in which my friend came to me and made me feel that although he was gone, he was OK.. and it was alright.. I will never know what happened, 
did he repent his decision to take his life when it was too late.. 
I will never know if he can see how we are reacting to him and his passing away. 
Will he be disappointed and feel betrayed by the way we are dissecting his character and behaviour 
to find answer to our mean and petty questions.. But, I do feel that if some one wants to remember Balaji, they should have some pointers to his life and person.. such as what I remember of him. I feel it is unfair to judge his whole person and life by the way he chose to end it. The thought that I should write the dream, came in an outer-layer-dream.  And then in that dream, (first level of dreaming, from which I would wake up to reality,) I even thought of the title of the blog. Then I started thinking of sentences that I would write..
Mentally, I made a note of  the kind of things that need to be written down... of him, of the dream I had within, and the things I felt. 

Here is where the I part comes in. 
Inside my dream, the talk I had with Balaji was a personal experience. It was a big relief, it was a very overwhelming experience. It was very touching.. and intimate. It made me cry and laugh at the same time in my dream.. an experience where everything becomes clear.. (it is no longer clear now, but it was absolutely clear within my dream). I woke up into the outer dream, and felt so overwhelmed.. and remembered all the endearing things about Balaji. I felt grateful that he came to me and helped me understand his not being here. Infact, I thought for a little while, even my lack of reaction to his going away was reasonable. 
Perhaps the true mourning had occured in that dream within dream.

And then I had to ruin it by thinking I need to write it down for others to know. 
I woke up and turned the light on. and Prince asked me what happened and I told him everything.. of my dream.
At that moment, the sanctity of the dream, of my conversation with Balaji, and of my emotions of affection and missing Balaji, and of my true mourning for him, were gone! They were ALL reduced to the garbage of exhibition to my husband as to how much I was missing my friend. After I told him everything, I cried a bit.. not because I was mourning for my friend, but because how It ALL had to be about others' perception of my feelings and personality. I was ashamed my craving for others' attention. even in mourning a close friend. 
I actually sat on the toilet and thought, how I need to come clean and write how my mourning is a mixture. 
How my memorial blog is a mixture of my need to be seen as a caring-affectionate friend and perhaps (Just perhaps) paying a true tribute to a friend who perhaps cant see any of it. Then, sitting there, I thought, if I write that 
I am not sure if my mourning is true or exhibitionist, some of my well-
wishers will say how it is not, and I am indeed a caring person and that will solve the issue. 

So, I think there is a need for you readers to know that I am extremely self centered. Even in mourning. I am completely aware that you might be tricked into thinking of me as a caring friend who is missing Balaji.. I am not entirely sure how much of this is an honest memorial, and how much a stage-show. But among all that,  if I can make you remember Balaji, for what a good guy he was, my primary goal is achieved.